Well sweet souls, I know it has been a while and a lot has happened in my world. This blog will discuss why I vanished and what I have learned while I was away. As the title so boldly asserts: Turns Out I’m Autistic. I am an adult learning that I am both Autistic and inattentive ADHD in my late 30s. Wrapping my head around this has been all-consuming for a while now. Last summer I got in with an assessor to verify I am actually autistic and I am now seeing her for 45min on Friday’s to discuss what that actually means and how could everyone miss something so significant for so much of my life.
First and foremost, I am grateful to know now. All my life I have heard how I am ‘too sensitive’ and ‘too much’ for the people around me to comfortably tolerate. This taught me to conceal my most vulnerable and believed-to-be extreme emotions. I learned that I had to deal with life on my own, no one else was going to help me when I was feeling big emotions. Now I know that my emotional moments are my nervous system being dysregulated I only associate with people who can respect I need support or space never shame for having big feelings.
Being alone does not bother me, I am actually most comfortable in solitude. The repeated issue I have encountered in my existence is becoming attached to people who are only looking to take what they want from me. In learning I am actually autistic, I can give myself more grace for the times when I did not realize I was being taken advantage of until the aftermath. Not that my lack of awareness makes use or abuse of me at all acceptable, I recognize it is not some fatal flaw in my humanity that I can be duped. My mind is constantly busy with various thoughts, memories and tasks; so clocking manipulation tactics gets overlooked at times. The abuse is the issue, not their success is my fault.
Healing trauma memories from my past has been my primary focus since 2018. During the 2020 pandemic I had a disability review that triggered me into panic that resulted in me being classified permanently disabled. I have done EMDR treatment on Tuesdays for about a year now and find it helpful in processing past trauma memories. Maintaining my mental stability is my job, I will not participate in social rat race careers. Sharing my experiences so others like me know they are not alone in these struggles has been a personal mission since writing poetry as a teen. Sharing heals me and helping others heals me double. We all deserve to know wellness.
I am so incredibly fortunate that I survived every trauma I had the misfortune to endure in my lifetime. I am grateful to have information that explains my living experiences through them all. There’s still so much I do not know about autism, neurology and how very different each human can be beneath the surface. I have always had a fascination with human behaviors and mental wellness, this is an avenue (neurology) I didn’t even consider before I did.
During my time absent from writing blog posts I have been talking to my phone and sharing with TikTok while I navigate my existence. This has been very therapeutic for me and rewarding when it resonates with others living similar experiences. I believe overall the goal to living harmoniously with differences is being more curious than critical. Variety is the spice of life and I am a cajun gal so I like me some spices, chere.
All questions, comments, concerns are welcome below ⬇️
Be well, sweet souls. 💛
Salley's Mile ∞ 